Did I Really

The crimson dripping from my hands is still warm. The taste of copper in my mouth. I was just protecting myself. He was going to  hurt me. I could smell his aggression, I could smell his hatred for me. Like was the abomination. I am what and who I am. I don’t set out to hurt anyone or anything. For the most part, I keep to myself and mind my own business. But if I see someone or something in trouble, I have to help. I can’t keep from helping. I feel pain if I allow pain to be inflicted upon another creature.

It’s not like I go out looking for the bad in others and destroy them for it. Okay… But I only did that a couple of times. It was after I came upon their aftermath. It sickened me. I had to do something about what those animals did. I avenged those that couldn’t do it themselves. Have I become the animal that our parents warned us about as children?

Well maybe if I hadn’t been attacked at such a young age, I would have been able to control these urges to lash out on behalf of my inner child. Many things  stick to us as we grow. Some bad things we are able to shake. But not all of our circumstances scratch us up and leave us with damages. But then again some damage gives us character and helps us to grow. Yes, parts of my young past I can’t seem to shake free of.

If the person that had caused me pain, had been punished in some way. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to take some matters into my own hands.  There are times when I wish I could actually take that person and torture him. Maybe make him feel like I did and sometimes still do. It is where I am wrapped in darkness.

There is more light than dark in my life. And like I said, I use the darkness to my advantage. When I need something dark in a story. Or to remind myself of how much my life has changed through the years. I have light. More light than dark and I will not give it away. But I will share it.

 

 

Not Always What it Seems

I do smile, just not as much as before. Staying focused isn’t as easy as it once was. I currently struggle with myself. I want to start back to school. It’s not just the money that is holding me back, though it is the main reason. Things have changed at my employer. Our hours 2014-05-29-16-34-42increased and would interfere with hours I need to use for my studies.

I am still fired up about getting my degree. But my passion for writing is starting to push for time as well. The internet at our home has become quite spotty with all of the people that have come down and are spending their winter. Snowbirds they are called, they do a lot of streaming of videos and the like.

All I want to do is get my degree. I want to take it in small bites. Like two classes at a time. As to not become overwhelmed. I believe I am going to have to make a go fund me account to get money up so I can get back into classes. I passed the first two out of three, so I feel I would do my best two classes at a time. Then take a small break to clear my head. Yes it will take me longer to graduate, but my grades will stay above average.

Today is going to be like any other day. While I have internet, I will be applying for more scholarships. Even if I have to break down and do it through my phone. I am not going to give up. I will still have my taxes, I can use them to pay for next couple classes.