SPLINTERS

Slivers of an unpleasant memory,

it grows with heavier thoughts.

Unwanted hands, unwanted touches;

. cover me with sickness.

His hands on me, mine placed upon him.

Fear is all I feel, paralyzing me.

He has a wife and my God, a daughter.

Even with my fear, I pray he hasn’t touched his child.

But I know that’s probably a dream.

For years this was kept to myself,

again fear held my tongue. No one will believe me.

 

Finally, I spoke of my horror.

But nothing happened, not enough in my eyes.

I wasn’t his helper any more.

No jail, no ridicule and he still had his family.

He wasn’t even beaten up by my father.

Mean while, I lost a part of my childhood,

meanwhile I lost a part of myself; never to return.

Tainted splinters lodged in my soul.

Shards of glass cutting my spirit apart.

My fear turned to, pain and anger.

Why am I the one who loses the most?

Why does he not seem to suffer from what he did?

Why is it the victim that goes through hell?

Not once, but over and over again.

I could let this consume me, I almost let it destroy me.

But I have finally learned, to use the sickness; to use what happened,

to write my darkest scenes.

I imagine the torture is his

That I make him my victim.

It is said that two wrongs, don’t make it right.

But right now, I will argue that it does.

My pain, is my pain.

And there isn’t anyone that feel it for me.

It is my cross to carry and I carry it every day.

I’m reminded, when I say cross of Jesus.

I wondered where he was,

when I was walking through my own hell.

No I do not blame him for what happened.

I blame the demon that touched me,

and he knows he shouldn’t have.

I still feel the pain, I still have the anger.

But I haven’t stopped living,

I will not stop living.

I will use my pain to write.

I will use the anger for my own darkness,

on each page the darkness pulls the words to the surface.

Just below my surface, lies the pain and the anger.

Its not something I share, at least, not often.

Not everyone knows what to do with this sort of information.

I’m not even sure what I would know what to do with it either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I Really

The crimson dripping from my hands is still warm. The taste of copper in my mouth. I was just protecting myself. He was going to  hurt me. I could smell his aggression, I could smell his hatred for me. Like was the abomination. I am what and who I am. I don’t set out to hurt anyone or anything. For the most part, I keep to myself and mind my own business. But if I see someone or something in trouble, I have to help. I can’t keep from helping. I feel pain if I allow pain to be inflicted upon another creature.

It’s not like I go out looking for the bad in others and destroy them for it. Okay… But I only did that a couple of times. It was after I came upon their aftermath. It sickened me. I had to do something about what those animals did. I avenged those that couldn’t do it themselves. Have I become the animal that our parents warned us about as children?

Well maybe if I hadn’t been attacked at such a young age, I would have been able to control these urges to lash out on behalf of my inner child. Many things  stick to us as we grow. Some bad things we are able to shake. But not all of our circumstances scratch us up and leave us with damages. But then again some damage gives us character and helps us to grow. Yes, parts of my young past I can’t seem to shake free of.

If the person that had caused me pain, had been punished in some way. Maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to take some matters into my own hands.  There are times when I wish I could actually take that person and torture him. Maybe make him feel like I did and sometimes still do. It is where I am wrapped in darkness.

There is more light than dark in my life. And like I said, I use the darkness to my advantage. When I need something dark in a story. Or to remind myself of how much my life has changed through the years. I have light. More light than dark and I will not give it away. But I will share it.

 

 

Not Always What it Seems

I do smile, just not as much as before. Staying focused isn’t as easy as it once was. I currently struggle with myself. I want to start back to school. It’s not just the money that is holding me back, though it is the main reason. Things have changed at my employer. Our hours 2014-05-29-16-34-42increased and would interfere with hours I need to use for my studies.

I am still fired up about getting my degree. But my passion for writing is starting to push for time as well. The internet at our home has become quite spotty with all of the people that have come down and are spending their winter. Snowbirds they are called, they do a lot of streaming of videos and the like.

All I want to do is get my degree. I want to take it in small bites. Like two classes at a time. As to not become overwhelmed. I believe I am going to have to make a go fund me account to get money up so I can get back into classes. I passed the first two out of three, so I feel I would do my best two classes at a time. Then take a small break to clear my head. Yes it will take me longer to graduate, but my grades will stay above average.

Today is going to be like any other day. While I have internet, I will be applying for more scholarships. Even if I have to break down and do it through my phone. I am not going to give up. I will still have my taxes, I can use them to pay for next couple classes.

Clouded Moon

 

Not all beauty is completely out in the open. Some beauty is slightly hidden. Some beauty can’t be seen by just anyone.  Most beauty isn’t even on the outside for just anyone to see.

 

020

Far Far Away

Hand in hand, we walk through Saint Gallen Park. Enjoying the quiet lack of any population. Taking our time, enjoying the presence of one another. Moment by moment, step by step we go deeper and deeper into the woods. Just off the path, I noticed a downed tree. I give a nod toward the tree, you smile.

We carefully walk from the path to the tree. I quickly pull off my jacket to cover the rough bark of the tree. I feel my pulse quicken throughout my body. Together we sit side by side. I am beginning to have difficulty breathing. I try not to let it show. You are so beautiful to me. I wonder if this is where we will have our first kiss. I don’t notice any of the beauty around us. I only see your beauty and the way you are looking at me.

We talk quietly for a few minutes, but only for a few. Your lips look so delicious. I have wanted to kiss them for at least an hour. I wonder if you have been feeling the same way. Your skin looks as soft as silk. I want to touch every centimeter with my fingertips and then my tongue. Can you feel my heart beating in my hand?

I am leaning toward you and you are starting to lean toward me. Closer and closer our lips are getting. There is a volcano of feelings and emotions running wild through my body. Your lips and my lips are about to touch. As soon as they meet there is a blinding white heat that explodes in my core.

Deep and gentle our kisses transpire. Telling a story that sets our souls ablaze. Mutually we pull one another closer. I can feel a sweat break out over every inch of my skin. The slight breeze gives me a chill. The trembling starts at my core and comes to the edge of my surface. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.  I can’t imagine how far we can go… here. We are in a public park and outside, someone may walk by.

Just as that thought stopped existing in my mind, you quickly pull away. Oh no, what just happened. You grab me by my hand and pull m from our seat. I barely had time to get my jacket. We begin to run, side by side. I had no idea where we are going. This is my first time to this park. The path zigs and then zags.  After a short straight away, you came to an abrupt stop. I almost ran into you.

We both stand there looking at one another. You look around and grab my hand again. We made a quick dash off the path. I haven’t known you for long and we are now off the beaten path. But my soul tells  me I can trust you with my life. At least that is what it is saying right now. The woods become thicker and thicker. We actually stop running.

Breathing heavily, we stand facing one another. I step closer to you. There are small beads of sweat that have started to appear on your forehead. You look even more beautiful. I pull you into my arms and I wrap them both around you. I want to taste more of your kisses. You start kissing me back and suddenly you stopped again.

You grabbed my hand and we took off from the path. I think we were moving east, based on the sun. We trek and trekked, until I started to see a clearing ahead of us. I think I see some sort of building. Breaking through the edge, I see it; an old cabin. It doesn’t look like it’s in too bad of shape. You look at me with a mischievous grin. Your eyes are quite playful. I can only imagine the images running through your mind.

You pull me in for a sweet little kiss. With my free hand, I gently touch your cheek and give you a sweet kiss back. As I tried to make it a deeper kiss, you pulled away again.  Again you yank me by hand and we ran through the tall grass to get to the back of the cabin. There was only one of the screens on the porch torn. The screen door is still intact. This is has the markings of something interesting and fun.

After navigating four fairly sturdy steps, you ask me to close my eyes. “Are you kidding,” I asked.

“If you aren’t going to close your eyes, I will blindfold you,” you tell me.

I wasn’t aware you could be so assertive. I like it. So I opt for the blind fold. I bend down slightly so you are able to tie the blindfold tight enough. I wait for you to take my hand before I attempt to move. You stop me long enough to open the cabin door. It barely makes a sound. I expected at least some creaking of sorts.

You take me by the hand again. I smell vanilla as we walk into the room. But that doesn’t make sense for an old cabin to smell like vanilla. Did she plan something ahead of time? How did she know I would want to come to the park? I have been quite open about loving the outdoors. I am a fan of vanilla too.

Quietly she closes the door, while I wait for her lead. She my left hand and I am waving my right hand around so I won’t  run into something. I do trust her and I hope I don’t regret it. Her hands are so soft wrapped around my hand. We walk about ten more feet and she stops me again. She asks me to bend down and I do. I keep my eyes closed as she removes the blindfold.

“Open your eyes,” she whispers into my ear.

The sound of your voice and your breath in my ear almost has my knees buckling. “Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes,” you whisper heavily into my ear.

There are column candles burning in each corner of the large room. My guess this room would be the living room in most homes. But the room is so large, it also has a bed. A big bed. I feel as though I have stepped back in time. The bed has fresh linen and pillows all over the bed.

“Do you like it?” you ask me.

“It is perfect,” I answer. And then I lean in to kiss you.

As our kisses become more serious, I take your hands and lead you to the edge of the bed. I caress your face in my hands as you sit and then lay back for me to join you.

 

My Thoughts

My thoughts in my mind are quiet, most of the time. That is not to say they are silent.  When they want to get noticed they scream and often startle me. Pictures without sound, visions without words; but the knowledge is there. The sharpness of a razor or the softness of silk, they are all mine.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. There are clouds and thunder too. Tornados and earthquakes shake all that is inside me. It’s during those storms I find it difficult to quiet and clam those thoughts. They had been ignored for too long. Just as if you ignore a friend for too long, they get upset and let you know about it.

The darkness of those thoughts, sometimes cause me concern. But not that I would act upon them. Just that what others might feel about them. But if a person really knows me there shouldn’t be any fear. Some take the words I put down as a literal, future actions. If that were true. I’d already have blood on my hands.

Just as the dark is dark, my light is bright. You can feel the warmth of my sun. For when it shines it is shared, it is for everyone not just for me. It leads me away from the darkness so I’m able to see out of the tunnel I painted myself into. Back and forth I travel. My thoughts never stop. Even my dreams go from light to dark.

The darkness in my dreams affects how I feel when I wake up. It’s a very uneasy feeling. Like something bad is about to happen and I can’t do anything about it. Just to let it happen. I hate that helplessness.

My mind, my thoughts; my brain never stops. Good, bad, happy, sad; it’s all there. Pain, tears and agony all share the same space. It’s not just one thing or the other. They are all together, taking their part in every thought. That may or may not become an action.

Blood, sweat, tears along with the smiles, kisses and rainbows. The light and the dark. But I will admit; the dark is much easier to write.